Mormons and Sex: Living the Law of Chastity

Preface and Purpose
About a year ago a friend of mine who knew I was Mormon asked me about the final book of  Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series. She pointed out that Meyer was Mormon and that (spoiler alert) Bella has a daughter with Edward.  “They’re married,” was my response.  I found the question curious and was slightly frustrated when an interruption prevented us from talking further. I suspected that my friend wasn’t sure if Mormons believed in or practiced sexuality.

Sometimes people say outrageous things for the shock factor and I’m not going for that with addressing this topic.  However, I do frequently purposefully push myself to exercise courage.  If I think something is right or I should do something, I weigh it and once I make the decision, I then jump in with both feet. My purpose with this blog is to discuss topics that would be very difficult to ask someone in person.  Sexuality, especially when someone feels it is a sacred topic as Mormons do, isn’t exactly broached easily or if it is easily addressed, it probably is done disrespectfully.  However, I know the Lord feels strongly about His “Law of Chastity.”   I know that because when I was a full time missionary and authorized by Jesus Christ to call God’s children to repentance, I felt the Spirit of God move through me the most powerfully when we were teaching this law. I no longer have that authorization to call others to repentance as full time missionaries do, but I can share the doctrine and my personal practice of it. With that as an introduction, let’s jump in with both feet, shall we?

The Doctrine

The best I’ve ever read the “Law of Chastity” taught was by the then president of Brigham Young University. I recommend his talk which is addressing those in the Church, “Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments.” 

Mormons live the “Law of Chastity” which is to only have sexual relations with a legally and lawfully married spouse.  That translates to complete abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity in marriage.  This doctrine’s roots predate the creation of the Earth.  Mormons believe that each person who has lived, lives or ever will live on this Earth first received life as God’s spirit child before coming to Earth (Abraham 3:22-28). Life’s purpose is to gain a body, which will be resurrected regardless of merit (John 5:28-29) because Christ was resurrected (1 Corinthians 15:21-23) and to “prove” ourselves or in other words of our own free will, choose to love God and accept the power offered by His Son, receive His grace by a lifetime of obedience and be changed into a holy creature. (2 Corinthians 5:17). (I plan on blogging about the Mormon belief of grace and works. In a nutshell we exist by the grace of God and we receive a greater portion of His grace as we use our free will to obey God's commandments.) We show God we love Him by keeping His commandments (John 14:15). He then blesses us with His grace or His Spirit and we come to know Him and become like Him (John 17:3) (Matthew 5:48).

For some reason, God designed sexuality to be what brings His spirit children out of their “first estate” (see Abraham 3:22-28) into the mortal world. What a beautiful gift! It brings spouses closer together and also brings children into the world. Mormons tend to have large families because they want to provide loving homes of faith for Heavenly Father’s spirit children waiting in the Pre-Mortal Existence for their turn in mortality.  Church counsel with regards to birth control is it is between the husband, the wife and the Lord and couples should honestly evaluate their motivations when choosing to postpone having children. 

Breaking the Law of Chastity An ancient American prophet who lived about 73 B.C. learned that his son lusted after a “harlot” and broke this law.  With grief, he asked his son, “Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood and denying the Holy Ghost? (Alma 39:5) What!?! Sex outside of marriage on God’s list of serious sins is right next to murder?  Absolutely. Why? He’s most concerned with how His spirit children come into the world and how they must leave the world.

How far can Mormons Go Before Marriage? Mormons can do whatever they choose.  God designed mortality to be an environment where opposites exist and His children can “choose liberty” through Christ or “choose captivity” through the devil (2 Nephi 2:27). How far should Mormons go before Marriage?  Mormons believe in modern day Apostles and Prophets. Mormons view these leaders just like Moses or Paul are giving them counsel.  The explicit direction for unmarried Mormons and the law of chastity is the following:

“The sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World”).

Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. God has commanded that sexual intimacy be reserved for marriage. 

When you obey God’s commandments to be sexually pure, you prepare yourself to make and keep sacred covenants in the Temple. You prepare yourself to build a strong marriage and to bring children into the world as part of a loving family. You protect yourself from emotional damage that always comes from sharing physical intimacies with someone outside of marriage.

 Do not have sexual relations before marriage, and be completely faithful to your spouse after marriage. Satan may tempt you to rationalize that sexual intimacy before marriage is acceptable when two people are in love.  That is not true…Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not allow anyone to do that with you. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body.

Living the Law of Chastity while not married for Mormons can be viewed like fasting.  They avoid the temptation as much as possible until the time is appropriate to break the fast, which would be at marriage. (This should not be indented, but the technology isn't working with me.)

Let’s Get Personal: Keeping My Thoughts Clean

When it comes to my own personal practice of the Law of Chastity, I believe it begins in my thoughts.  It is not a sin to be tempted. It’s a natural product of my mortality, but it is a sin for me to invite the thoughts to stay and relish in their message. In a revelation to given to a modern Prophet, Joseph Smith, the Lord commanded to "let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly" and the promise He offers for doing this is "then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God..." (Doctrine & Covenants 121:45). I want to remain transparent before the Lord so I can remain in His confidence.  I know He can read my thoughts and the only way I can wipe them away so He forgets  them is by my repentance (Doctrine & Covenants 58:42).  For the past 12 years, I have been training my brain and now I’m pleased that I act out of reflex that when I receive a thought of a sexual nature, I immediately dismiss it and ask the Lord to forgive me and give me the strength to keep my thoughts clean.  Sometimes it is harder than others depending on my environment, but I have felt the strengthening power that comes from the Source of all goodness when I have petitioned Him for it. He is quick to answer prayers when we are quick to be obedient.  I have been blessed for it.  I prefer to be more like Joseph of Egypt than David of Israel.  When Potiphar’s wife desired Joseph, he quickly fled (Genesis 39:7-14).  When David happened upon Bathsheba bathing, he chose to linger.  This led to acting upon his thoughts, committing adultery, which then led him to commit murder (2 Samuel 11).

Since We’re Getting Personal: Chastity While Dating

I should preface this section saying I am not a hopeless romantic.  I believe that my ideas of love have been tainted by Hollywood and Disney, so perhaps I overcompensate to a “realistic” view to fault. That’s why this man was so out of the ordinary.  I met him once upon a time and the more I learned about his character, the more I trusted him and felt safe on multiple levels.  When we were in a room full of people and he would wink at me, I felt like we had a secret that nobody  else knew and if we tried to explain it, no one could understand.  Being fiercely independent, I was fascinated with feeling the motivation to take care of someone else before myself. The anticipation to see him again was like when I was a kid waiting for December the 25th and finally seeing his face was like Christmas morning. When he reached out for my hand, it was like he was reaching for my heart and when he held me like he didn’t want to let me go, it felt like coming home. Long doorstep scenes could possibly be what makes the emotional roller coaster of dating worth it.  After almost a year or so, depending on how you count, this man told me that I was not the girl for him.  That’s the way the dating game goes.  Once that is decided and clearly communicated you shake hands, appreciate the good plays, try to analyze when and how you dropped the ball and then move on to other worthy opponents. (And when your stats are the inverse of batting 1000, you're quite prepared for the disappointment.)

But now that I’m putting this in context of living the law of chastity, what if neither of us were committed to living it?  What if we followed the commonly accepted customs of sexuality in our present society? When I found him delicious, what if I didn’t put on the brakes? What if we didn’t have long doorstep scenes, but rushed and inattentive farewells as we both went to work the next morning, he to serve "the man," who was "a jealous mistress" and unable (or unwilling actually) to give me another thought?  I was moved to give of myself and it ended up that he didn’t want any part of me, let alone all I had to give.  How devastating that would have been.  It would have destroyed all that is good about me and left me bitter and broken. Self gratification outside the bonds of marriage is inherently selfish.  It would not have been about giving, but of getting and would have carved a deficit in my soul that only the Savior with His infinite bank could replenish. 

Love: The Ultimate Deterrent for Sin

Why do I live the Law of Chastity?  I see that God in His wisdom wants His children coming in and out of the world in the best circumstances possible and that I’m avoiding emotional demolition and the risk of disease, but I live the Law of Chastity because I love Jesus Christ.  I know that during His Atonement, He took upon Himself the sins of all mankind including my own.  The very thought of Him in His purity taking up the guilt for my sins, especially the idea of my potential selfish sexual gratification, makes me cringe. I wish I had words to communicate how the thought makes me taste imaginary bile. Like Joseph, I want to preemptively flee from anything that may have caused Christ to be defiled.  I love Him with a deeper love that I can express and that is why I, as a Mormon, live the Law of Chastity.